WHO OWNS THE CHILDREN?

We often refer to children as 'our children' or 'my children', but do we really own them? It might be more useful, especially in the context of separation, to think of the children as being in our care for the time being.

We get to parent them from birth until -if we have done a half-decent job- they are ready to live independent lives of their own. This does not mean that we don't love them, feel responsible for them and try to protect them from danger. We do all this and more as parents.

However, if parents can let go of the notion of ownership of the children, the battle of who gets time with them after separation may be defused. The idea that both mother and father are needed to parent the children can take the focus away from the supposed 'rights' of the adults, and put it where it will be of more benefit - on the needs of the children.

I often hear mothers say: 'I let their father see them once a week', or 'I stopped them going to see their father'. Fathers counter with: 'I am paying maintenance so I have a right to see the children', or: 'it is only fair that I should have the children fifty per cent of the time'.

When hearing these statements, the question that occurs to me is: 'How is this helping the children'?

 THE VALUE OF FATHERS.

Sometimes fathers are seen as the bread winners and not as someone who contributes to children's development in any significant way.

Research has shown that fathers are the most important role models for their sons. Boys model themselves on their fathers and while they don't ever voice this, and are not aware that they are doing this, their father is the most important person in their lives. A lot of what is picked up from their father is caught and not taught which shows the importance of the example shown by a father.

Daughters largely get their self esteem from their fathers. In their adult life they are more likely to look for men with the same traits as their father. This is not done in any conscious way but based on what they know.
When parents separate and the father has moved out of the family home this does not mean that he has to move out of his children's lives. He needs to be a constant reassurance to his children that they are still loved and cherished. Children need to be assured that they can rely on their father and that he is approachable.

It is the responsibility of both parents to allow each other to do a good job.

Stick to your own job.

Sometimes when I am working with separated parents who are in conflict, I find that they are often doing their own parenting and, at the same time, trying to control what happens when the children are with the other parent.

There are two disadvantages here. Firstly, it is impossible to control the behaviour of your ex, so you may as well stop trying. Secondly, the task of the mother and that of the father are different, and at the same time, complimentary to each other. Consequently, while there the other parent is willing and able to do his or her parenting task, it is counterproductive for one parent to try to do both. The children will be missing out on diversity.

If you are doing a good job of parenting, it is natural for you to expect the other parent to live up to your exacting standards, and to exert pressure for that to happen. Leave that burden down, and let the other parent take responsibility for her or his job. It may not be perfect, but parenting never is. It only needs to be good enough.

When parents finally realize that they are expected to do only their own task, and not the two jobs, it can be a huge relief. So stick to your own job, and enjoy it.

Bad-mouthing your ex.

If you feel betrayed or hurt, it is difficult not to vent those feelings. However, if you express them to, or in the hearing of, your children it will have negative effects on their relationship with you as well as with the other parent.

Bad-mouthing will discourage the children from displaying affection towards the parent they are with for fear of appearing disloyal to the other parent.

They will develop feelings of guilt and try to hide their love for their parents. Sometimes they will go even further and exaggerate incidents that have happened with one parent in order to please the other.

Instances of this include coming back to a parent and saying that they haven't been fed for ages and are starving, or that they were shouted at and criticized.It is tempting to indulge this behaviour, as we all like to have our opinions supported. It is counter-productive though, as far as your children are concerned.


You can see that this puts the children right in the middle of the conflict where they have no need to be. It will affect their psychological health as children, and the feelings of the guilt may last well into adulthood.

To avoid this happening, have your gripes when the children are absent, and allow them the unconditional freedom to love both parents.

PARENTING TYPES

Have you ever wondered which type of parenting style you use when parenting your children.

There are three types of parenting, four if you consider neglectful parenting.

This blog will explain three, authoritative, authoritarian and permissive parenting.

Authoritative Parenting:

This style of parenting is considered to be the best for children. Parents using this style collaborate with their children about what is best for them. Parents using this style set reasonable standards for their children to follow. The rules in the family are usually sensible rules, for example, bed times, homework and leisure time. These parents set goals for their children and help them to attain them. They are directive but not pushy. The children usually feel nurtured and that what their parents want for them is for their own good

Authoritarian Parenting:

 The authoritarian parent is much more strict. They set very high standards for their children which some children find difficult to meet.These parents punish their children more. They do reward the children but sometimes the children have to work very hard for the reward. They demand obedience and respect, where as the authoritative parents get both by collaborative methods.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that if you are an authoritarian parent and have a cooperative child you are likely to meet with a challenge because this child likes to be trusted to do what is expected of them and feel they should be treated as a responsible person.

Permissive parenting:

With this type of parenting the balance of power is usually with the child. The children have more control over the parents than the parents have over them. These children make a lot of their own decisions and sometimes when the parents try to intervene they are not taken seriously. Permissive parents usually encourage freedom of expression and choice to enable the children to be more creative. 

Watch out for more on the effects of these types of parenting on children in a later blog.

 

 

Types of Parenting - Parallel Parenting

The last post was all about co parenting which is considered best for children. However some divorced and separated parents just cannot co parent because of conflict. If this is the case then there is an alternative method  of parenting which is called parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting was developed from observations of children playing in a playground.
Have you ever noticed a child playing in a playground and another child comes up and plays beside them without any conversation?
Parallel parenting is done in a somewhat similar way. Conversation is kept to a minimum in order to avoid conflict. It is not the perfect way to parent but is better than having children witness constant conflict over them.
Most divorced and separated parents have no difficulty parenting separately but when it comes to planning schedules and making decisions together they just cannot agree. In some cases this may be the reason why they split in the first place. If this is the case then parallel parenting is probably the best option for them.




How does parallel parenting work?

Both parents make decisions on parenting for the time the children are in their care. It is usual to involve a third party to develop a parenting plan. The reason for this is to help the parties to avoid telling each other how to parent or have the need to make decisions together.
The plan should include everything involving the children that you would have done together before the break up. The content of the plan would be similar to the co parenting plan. The plan would specify clearly who is responsible for what. For example one parent would take responsibility for utility bills. The other parent might take responsibility for medical care and education and so on. The plan would leave no room for mistakes or misunderstandings. If one parent needs to inform the other on something, this should be done by e mail or text to avoid arguments. When this needs to be done the parent should always keep in mind this is for my child's benefit and this will help them to refrain from writing smart comments. Pick up and drop off should  be at the school or another public place where there is less chance of outbursts. Having a third party present might be a good idea especially in the early days of implementing the plan. Preferably this person should be someone you can trust and who will keep your business confidential.


Tips for a successful parenting plan

• Develop a parenting plan with a third party not a friend to either parent
• Agree on who is responsible for what
• Stick rigidly to the plan
• Always keep in mind what is best for the children
• Do not plan activities for the children during the other parents time. This will only cause conflict
• Make it a goal to keep conflict to a minimum
• Each parent should keep written records of all agreements and decisions
• When communication or negotiation is necessary use an impartial third part to assist you
• Always ask yourself " am I being fair to everyone in what I'm doing"?
• Remember the only reason you are dealing with the other parent is because you have children together
• Resist the urge to control or judge the other parents parenting skills
• With exception of emergency situations, all communication is done in writing
• If there is an emergency communication should be done without getting emotional or using abusive language

Rationale for a parallel parenting arrangement

• Every child has a right to a meaningful relationship with each parent
• Every child has a right not to be caught in the middle of parental conflict
• Every parent has a right to a meaningful relationship with his or her child without interference from the other parent 

Types of Parenting after Divorce: Co-Parenting

Today's post is all about parenting after divorce or separation. The best method of parenting after divorce is to co parent. While this is best for the children it may be quite difficult for the parents especially if one or both parents are still very angry and constantly want to get at the other parent. I think that if parents could bear in mind that if they didn't have children they would not be communicating with each other now. So choose to take a business view of the situation and decide to stick to a plan that is beneficial to all concerned. In order to do this you need to know what needs children have after their parents split up.


Children's needs

• Reassurance that they are still loved by their parents
• To feel safe and that they belong
• To be able to talk to their parents about everything
• To feel that they can trust their parents and know that whatever they say to one parent will not be use to get at the other parent
• Confidence in their parent's ability to do what's right for them
• To understand that whatever problems their parents have with each other has noting to do with them.

These are only some of the needs children have but they are important needs that need to be met. 

Parenting plan

The next step is to decide on a parenting plan that will work best for both of you. When you are deciding on this look at what will suit you but also be considerate in your expectations of the other parent. Remember a good plan will make life easier for everyone and especially the children.

Sample of what goes into a parenting plan

• Payment of utility bills
• Payment of health insurance
• Medical expenses
• School books
• Who pays for holidays and extra activities?
• What will happen about birthdays and other important occasions
• Taking children to and from school
• The children's diet
• T.V. Programmes
• Who takes care of the children when they are off school or sick?
• Arrangements for visiting grandparents

These are some samples of what you might want to put in your plan and you may think of others. 

Remember a good plan will free up time for you to do other things. Good organization will help to avoid arguments.

Language was mentioned in a previous post and in developing your plan the language you use will be very important. Instead of saying "you have to do" a better alternative would be "would it be possible for you to do"

Helpful reading: Dr. Phil McGraw Family First.