WHO OWNS THE CHILDREN?

We often refer to children as 'our children' or 'my children', but do we really own them? It might be more useful, especially in the context of separation, to think of the children as being in our care for the time being.

We get to parent them from birth until -if we have done a half-decent job- they are ready to live independent lives of their own. This does not mean that we don't love them, feel responsible for them and try to protect them from danger. We do all this and more as parents.

However, if parents can let go of the notion of ownership of the children, the battle of who gets time with them after separation may be defused. The idea that both mother and father are needed to parent the children can take the focus away from the supposed 'rights' of the adults, and put it where it will be of more benefit - on the needs of the children.

I often hear mothers say: 'I let their father see them once a week', or 'I stopped them going to see their father'. Fathers counter with: 'I am paying maintenance so I have a right to see the children', or: 'it is only fair that I should have the children fifty per cent of the time'.

When hearing these statements, the question that occurs to me is: 'How is this helping the children'?

 THE VALUE OF FATHERS.

Sometimes fathers are seen as the bread winners and not as someone who contributes to children's development in any significant way.

Research has shown that fathers are the most important role models for their sons. Boys model themselves on their fathers and while they don't ever voice this, and are not aware that they are doing this, their father is the most important person in their lives. A lot of what is picked up from their father is caught and not taught which shows the importance of the example shown by a father.

Daughters largely get their self esteem from their fathers. In their adult life they are more likely to look for men with the same traits as their father. This is not done in any conscious way but based on what they know.
When parents separate and the father has moved out of the family home this does not mean that he has to move out of his children's lives. He needs to be a constant reassurance to his children that they are still loved and cherished. Children need to be assured that they can rely on their father and that he is approachable.

It is the responsibility of both parents to allow each other to do a good job.