Introduction

Some separations are handled sensitively on all sides, and the emotional and psychological welfare of the children are protected. However, in a minority of cases, there are families where the separation or divorce has a very negative impact on the children. This happens when there is conflict before, during and after the separation which the children witness or are drawn into. When you think about it, this is not surprising.

Take a child who has lived for a number of years in an intact nuclear family. They have become used to Mum and Dad being there, and they aren’t really aware of them as people with their own problems. Then, one parent leaves, so straight away you have a loss which engenders sadness and sometimes even guilt, if the child develops the opinion that s/he is somehow to blame.

If there are huge rows around the leaving, then the child may witness the two people whom s/he loves tearing each other apart. How is the child to make sense of this? Which side to take?

Sometimes this confusion is added to by one parent, and sometimes both, out of their own hurt and distress, telling the child what the other has done wrong. The child may end up having to offer emotional support to a parent rather than the other way round, and may spend many years trying to ‘fix’ their parents.

 An older child may have to parent younger siblings because the parents are tied up in their own difficulties. There are additional problems to address when a parent forms another family, and there are children in that family as well.

 The consequences for the children may be depression, lack of self-esteem, lower academic performance, behavioural problems leading to delinquency or substance abuse and difficulty in sustaining relationships when they reach adulthood. In other words, history often repeats itself.

Parental alienation can take place when one parent deliberately turns the children against the other by telling stories of wrong doing and putting the blame for all that has happened on the other parent. Such alienation is very difficult to deal with and can take many years to correct. Alienation may also take place when a parent acts abusively towards the children or the other parent.

The effects of financial problems on relationships are well documented. Loss of employment and shortage of money lead to extra stress, which, if not managed properly, causes rows between partners, with the consequences already mentioned. When separation or divorce occurs, a big issue is the family home, and providing a second home where the children can be with the parent who is not going to be the main carer. If there is sufficient money, these problems can easily be solved, but where there is already poverty, splitting the family in two increases that poverty and can add to the existing conflict. The distress is compounded if the children have to move out of their school, do without holidays and have a lower standard of living than when their parents were together. One or other parent can be blamed for this happening.      

So, in ‘New Day’ we address those problems by looking at ways to avoid them, and to remedy them if the worst has already happened. New ways of conflict resolution are considered.  We also take into account the well-being of the parents and help them deal with the distress of the break-up and to move on with their own personal emotional development. Grandparents, step-parenting and dealing with the wider ‘blended family’ are all topics of interest.