Some separations are handled sensitively on
all sides, and the emotional and psychological welfare of the children are
protected. However, in a minority of cases, there are families where the
separation or divorce has a very negative impact on the children. This happens
when there is conflict before, during and after the separation which the
children witness or are drawn into. When you think about it, this is not
surprising.
Take a child who has lived for a number of
years in an intact nuclear family. They have become used to Mum and Dad being
there, and they aren’t really aware of them as people with their own problems.
Then, one parent leaves, so straight away you have a loss which engenders
sadness and sometimes even guilt, if the child develops the opinion that s/he
is somehow to blame.
If there are huge rows around the leaving,
then the child may witness the two people whom s/he loves tearing each other
apart. How is the child to make sense of this? Which side to take?
Sometimes this confusion is added to by one
parent, and sometimes both, out of their own hurt and distress, telling the
child what the other has done wrong. The child may end up having to offer
emotional support to a parent rather than the other way round, and may spend
many years trying to ‘fix’ their parents.
An
older child may have to parent younger siblings because the parents are tied up
in their own difficulties. There are additional problems to address when a
parent forms another family, and there are children in that family as well.
The consequences
for the children may be depression, lack of self-esteem, lower academic
performance, behavioural problems leading to delinquency or substance abuse and
difficulty in sustaining relationships when they reach adulthood. In other
words, history often repeats itself.
Parental alienation can take place when one
parent deliberately turns the children against the other by telling stories of
wrong doing and putting the blame for all that has happened on the other
parent. Such alienation is very difficult to deal with and can take many years
to correct. Alienation may also take place when a parent acts abusively towards
the children or the other parent.
The effects of financial problems on
relationships are well documented. Loss of employment and shortage of money
lead to extra stress, which, if not managed properly, causes rows between
partners, with the consequences already mentioned. When separation or divorce
occurs, a big issue is the family home, and providing a second home where the
children can be with the parent who is not going to be the main carer. If there
is sufficient money, these problems can easily be solved, but where there is
already poverty, splitting the family in two increases that poverty and can add
to the existing conflict. The distress is compounded if the children have to
move out of their school, do without holidays and have a lower standard of
living than when their parents were together. One or other parent can be blamed
for this happening.
So, in ‘New Day’ we address those problems by
looking at ways to avoid them, and to remedy them if the worst has already
happened. New ways of conflict resolution are considered. We also take into account the well-being of
the parents and help them deal with the distress of the break-up and to move on
with their own personal emotional development. Grandparents, step-parenting and
dealing with the wider ‘blended family’ are all topics of interest.
