WHO OWNS THE CHILDREN?

We often refer to children as 'our children' or 'my children', but do we really own them? It might be more useful, especially in the context of separation, to think of the children as being in our care for the time being.

We get to parent them from birth until -if we have done a half-decent job- they are ready to live independent lives of their own. This does not mean that we don't love them, feel responsible for them and try to protect them from danger. We do all this and more as parents.

However, if parents can let go of the notion of ownership of the children, the battle of who gets time with them after separation may be defused. The idea that both mother and father are needed to parent the children can take the focus away from the supposed 'rights' of the adults, and put it where it will be of more benefit - on the needs of the children.

I often hear mothers say: 'I let their father see them once a week', or 'I stopped them going to see their father'. Fathers counter with: 'I am paying maintenance so I have a right to see the children', or: 'it is only fair that I should have the children fifty per cent of the time'.

When hearing these statements, the question that occurs to me is: 'How is this helping the children'?

 THE VALUE OF FATHERS.

Sometimes fathers are seen as the bread winners and not as someone who contributes to children's development in any significant way.

Research has shown that fathers are the most important role models for their sons. Boys model themselves on their fathers and while they don't ever voice this, and are not aware that they are doing this, their father is the most important person in their lives. A lot of what is picked up from their father is caught and not taught which shows the importance of the example shown by a father.

Daughters largely get their self esteem from their fathers. In their adult life they are more likely to look for men with the same traits as their father. This is not done in any conscious way but based on what they know.
When parents separate and the father has moved out of the family home this does not mean that he has to move out of his children's lives. He needs to be a constant reassurance to his children that they are still loved and cherished. Children need to be assured that they can rely on their father and that he is approachable.

It is the responsibility of both parents to allow each other to do a good job.

Stick to your own job.

Sometimes when I am working with separated parents who are in conflict, I find that they are often doing their own parenting and, at the same time, trying to control what happens when the children are with the other parent.

There are two disadvantages here. Firstly, it is impossible to control the behaviour of your ex, so you may as well stop trying. Secondly, the task of the mother and that of the father are different, and at the same time, complimentary to each other. Consequently, while there the other parent is willing and able to do his or her parenting task, it is counterproductive for one parent to try to do both. The children will be missing out on diversity.

If you are doing a good job of parenting, it is natural for you to expect the other parent to live up to your exacting standards, and to exert pressure for that to happen. Leave that burden down, and let the other parent take responsibility for her or his job. It may not be perfect, but parenting never is. It only needs to be good enough.

When parents finally realize that they are expected to do only their own task, and not the two jobs, it can be a huge relief. So stick to your own job, and enjoy it.

Bad-mouthing your ex.

If you feel betrayed or hurt, it is difficult not to vent those feelings. However, if you express them to, or in the hearing of, your children it will have negative effects on their relationship with you as well as with the other parent.

Bad-mouthing will discourage the children from displaying affection towards the parent they are with for fear of appearing disloyal to the other parent.

They will develop feelings of guilt and try to hide their love for their parents. Sometimes they will go even further and exaggerate incidents that have happened with one parent in order to please the other.

Instances of this include coming back to a parent and saying that they haven't been fed for ages and are starving, or that they were shouted at and criticized.It is tempting to indulge this behaviour, as we all like to have our opinions supported. It is counter-productive though, as far as your children are concerned.


You can see that this puts the children right in the middle of the conflict where they have no need to be. It will affect their psychological health as children, and the feelings of the guilt may last well into adulthood.

To avoid this happening, have your gripes when the children are absent, and allow them the unconditional freedom to love both parents.

PARENTING TYPES

Have you ever wondered which type of parenting style you use when parenting your children.

There are three types of parenting, four if you consider neglectful parenting.

This blog will explain three, authoritative, authoritarian and permissive parenting.

Authoritative Parenting:

This style of parenting is considered to be the best for children. Parents using this style collaborate with their children about what is best for them. Parents using this style set reasonable standards for their children to follow. The rules in the family are usually sensible rules, for example, bed times, homework and leisure time. These parents set goals for their children and help them to attain them. They are directive but not pushy. The children usually feel nurtured and that what their parents want for them is for their own good

Authoritarian Parenting:

 The authoritarian parent is much more strict. They set very high standards for their children which some children find difficult to meet.These parents punish their children more. They do reward the children but sometimes the children have to work very hard for the reward. They demand obedience and respect, where as the authoritative parents get both by collaborative methods.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that if you are an authoritarian parent and have a cooperative child you are likely to meet with a challenge because this child likes to be trusted to do what is expected of them and feel they should be treated as a responsible person.

Permissive parenting:

With this type of parenting the balance of power is usually with the child. The children have more control over the parents than the parents have over them. These children make a lot of their own decisions and sometimes when the parents try to intervene they are not taken seriously. Permissive parents usually encourage freedom of expression and choice to enable the children to be more creative. 

Watch out for more on the effects of these types of parenting on children in a later blog.

 

 

Types of Parenting - Parallel Parenting

The last post was all about co parenting which is considered best for children. However some divorced and separated parents just cannot co parent because of conflict. If this is the case then there is an alternative method  of parenting which is called parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting was developed from observations of children playing in a playground.
Have you ever noticed a child playing in a playground and another child comes up and plays beside them without any conversation?
Parallel parenting is done in a somewhat similar way. Conversation is kept to a minimum in order to avoid conflict. It is not the perfect way to parent but is better than having children witness constant conflict over them.
Most divorced and separated parents have no difficulty parenting separately but when it comes to planning schedules and making decisions together they just cannot agree. In some cases this may be the reason why they split in the first place. If this is the case then parallel parenting is probably the best option for them.




How does parallel parenting work?

Both parents make decisions on parenting for the time the children are in their care. It is usual to involve a third party to develop a parenting plan. The reason for this is to help the parties to avoid telling each other how to parent or have the need to make decisions together.
The plan should include everything involving the children that you would have done together before the break up. The content of the plan would be similar to the co parenting plan. The plan would specify clearly who is responsible for what. For example one parent would take responsibility for utility bills. The other parent might take responsibility for medical care and education and so on. The plan would leave no room for mistakes or misunderstandings. If one parent needs to inform the other on something, this should be done by e mail or text to avoid arguments. When this needs to be done the parent should always keep in mind this is for my child's benefit and this will help them to refrain from writing smart comments. Pick up and drop off should  be at the school or another public place where there is less chance of outbursts. Having a third party present might be a good idea especially in the early days of implementing the plan. Preferably this person should be someone you can trust and who will keep your business confidential.


Tips for a successful parenting plan

• Develop a parenting plan with a third party not a friend to either parent
• Agree on who is responsible for what
• Stick rigidly to the plan
• Always keep in mind what is best for the children
• Do not plan activities for the children during the other parents time. This will only cause conflict
• Make it a goal to keep conflict to a minimum
• Each parent should keep written records of all agreements and decisions
• When communication or negotiation is necessary use an impartial third part to assist you
• Always ask yourself " am I being fair to everyone in what I'm doing"?
• Remember the only reason you are dealing with the other parent is because you have children together
• Resist the urge to control or judge the other parents parenting skills
• With exception of emergency situations, all communication is done in writing
• If there is an emergency communication should be done without getting emotional or using abusive language

Rationale for a parallel parenting arrangement

• Every child has a right to a meaningful relationship with each parent
• Every child has a right not to be caught in the middle of parental conflict
• Every parent has a right to a meaningful relationship with his or her child without interference from the other parent 

Types of Parenting after Divorce: Co-Parenting

Today's post is all about parenting after divorce or separation. The best method of parenting after divorce is to co parent. While this is best for the children it may be quite difficult for the parents especially if one or both parents are still very angry and constantly want to get at the other parent. I think that if parents could bear in mind that if they didn't have children they would not be communicating with each other now. So choose to take a business view of the situation and decide to stick to a plan that is beneficial to all concerned. In order to do this you need to know what needs children have after their parents split up.


Children's needs

• Reassurance that they are still loved by their parents
• To feel safe and that they belong
• To be able to talk to their parents about everything
• To feel that they can trust their parents and know that whatever they say to one parent will not be use to get at the other parent
• Confidence in their parent's ability to do what's right for them
• To understand that whatever problems their parents have with each other has noting to do with them.

These are only some of the needs children have but they are important needs that need to be met. 

Parenting plan

The next step is to decide on a parenting plan that will work best for both of you. When you are deciding on this look at what will suit you but also be considerate in your expectations of the other parent. Remember a good plan will make life easier for everyone and especially the children.

Sample of what goes into a parenting plan

• Payment of utility bills
• Payment of health insurance
• Medical expenses
• School books
• Who pays for holidays and extra activities?
• What will happen about birthdays and other important occasions
• Taking children to and from school
• The children's diet
• T.V. Programmes
• Who takes care of the children when they are off school or sick?
• Arrangements for visiting grandparents

These are some samples of what you might want to put in your plan and you may think of others. 

Remember a good plan will free up time for you to do other things. Good organization will help to avoid arguments.

Language was mentioned in a previous post and in developing your plan the language you use will be very important. Instead of saying "you have to do" a better alternative would be "would it be possible for you to do"

Helpful reading: Dr. Phil McGraw Family First.

The Power of Language and Thinking

For this post I'm going to give a tip on how to reduce the conflict around access. This is often a bone of contention for separated and divorced parents, and the arguments and court visits can go on for years, often until the children take a hand and make their own decisions.

I find that if both parents can change their thinking and their language around access it can lessen the conflict, and get everybody to see the problem from a new perspective.

Try to stop thinking about either parent as 'having the children' for a set period of time. This phrase suggests that the children are some kind of property that you get to enjoy the use of every now and again.We don't get to own our children; we have the care of them until they get to be mature adults.

Whatever the relationship is now between former partners, you will remain the parents of your children until you die. So, instead of 'having' the children, each parent is doing the job of parenting whenever the children are with them. Perhaps then, there should be a 'parenting agreement' instead of an 'access agreement'. This involves dropping the term 'access' from your vocabulary when thinking about the time children spend with either parent. Instead, substitute the term 'parenting time'. So each parent gets an opportunity to supply the 'parenting' the children need.

This thinking shifts the focus from the rights of the parents which can be fought over in perpetuity, to the needs of the children for two functioning parents. There is universal agreement about this, so instead of starting off with conflict over who will 'have the children, you start off with the question of how the parenting of the children is going to be put in place.

Another phrase that is problematic is 'handing over' the children. One parent 'hands over' the children to the other. What does that phrase put you in mind of? I think of goods, property or maybe even prisoners. How do you think children feel when they hear they are being 'handed over', especially if it happens in a petrol station or on the side of the road? 'Delivering' can be just as bad and has the same connotations.

So how could the process of the children moving from one parent to the other be better described? Maybe 'driving them to be with the other parent' or 'making sure they have parenting time with Mam or Dad'. When parent drive children to school, they use the term 'the school run'; why not have a 'parenting run'?

Be inventive, think of a phrase that suits you own situation which doesn't involve thinking of the children as property to be fought over but as little people who need to be cared for. Maybe you can even come up with something humurous which will be good for everyone.  

I have mentioned parenting agreements; there are several types, and we will be coming back to that topic in the next post.

Child Development According to Eric Erickson

Some of the readers of this blog may be familiar with Eric Erickson's human development theory, for those of you who are not aware of it I would like to introduce it to you.
As a counsellor I find this theory very useful as it helps me to spot where a client has become stuck in their development.
Eric Erickson's psychosocial development theory is important because it outlines the various stages of development and enables the reader to know what to expect at each stage. It is also a valuable monitor for parents to see how they themselves developed and how their development impacts on their children's growth.


Eric Erickson 

Eric Erickson was born on 15th June 1902 in Germany. He is best known for his theory on psychosocial development. Some of the people who influenced him were Sigmund and Anna Freud. Erickson (1963) expanded on Freud's theory by emphasising the social development of the individual. He believed that psychosexual and psychosocial development took place together and as we pass through each stage we are challenged with the task of striking a balance between ourselves and our social world. Parents play an important role in their children managing to successfully complete each stage.


Eric Erickson's stages of development


1st year of life                                                                   Infancy:    Trust versus mistrust


If the primary carers in an infant's life provide the necessary physical and emotional needs the infant develops a sense of trust. If the basic needs are not met then the infant develops an attitude of mistrust toward the world. This may affect other relationships throughout the life of the individual. If you do not feel loved and cherished by your own parents then it will always be difficult to trust others and believe that they love you.

Ages 1-3                                                                    Autonomy versus shame and doubt


This is a time for the child to build autonomy. At this stage there will be a basic struggle between a sense of self reliance and a sense of self doubt. It is important that a child is allowed to test his environment and to be allowed to experiment and explore it. If parents encourage dependency the child will have difficulty coping in the world. Parents who do too much for their children reduce their capacity to gain independence. It is important at this stage for children to develop a sense of their own power. What is most important also is that children are given the message that it is all right to make mistakes and that they can learn from them and are not shamed when they do.

Ages 3-6                                                       Preschool age:          Initiative versus guilt


At this stage the child needs to achieve a sense of competence and resourcefulness. If children are allowed to use their own initiative in selecting activities for themselves, they tend to develop confidence and a positive belief in their abilities and follow through on their projects. If they are not allowed to make decisions for themselves they tend to feel guilty when they take initiative. this hampers their growth towards autonomy and encourages them to take a back seat and allow others to choose for them.


Ages 6-12                                                      School age:                Industry versus inferiority


The child needs to expand their view of the world and continue to develop appropriate gender role identity and learn the basic skills for success at school. At this point he needs to develop a sense of industry,which means setting and achieving goals. Failure to do this results in feelings of inadequacy. This is a time when a child is developing their own identity. It is important for parents to build confidence in the child and to communicate well. When you communicate well with your child in the home you are giving him/her the skills to communicate properly elsewhere. When your child begins to show an interest in music talk to him/her about his choice of music and listen to it with him. You may hate the stuff and in a years time he may hate it also. The important thing is to let him choose and change his own mind. "Children don't tune into the messages of their parents unless they believe that their parents truly hear and understand their concerns and needs". (McGraw p.158)

Ages 12-18                                                Adolesence:                     Identity versus role confusion


This is a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. It is important for parents to be aware that their teenager is trying to find his/her own identity. It is really important that parents help to build confidence in their teenager and not be constantly criticising them. Teenagers are going to want more freedom during this period of development, so it is up to parents to prepare them for life without them. At this stage a good  system of values would be very important. This is the period where teenagers test things out for themselves so making sure you've passed on good values will be very useful.

Ages 18-35                                                   Young adult:             Intimacy versus isolation


The development task at this stage is to be able to form intimate relationships. This is sometimes very difficult if trust has been a serious issue before this stage. If they have developed a good sense of identity they will master this stage. "Intimacy involves an ability to share with others and to give to others from our own centeredness". (Corey G. 2001 P80) It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person. It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person.

Ages 35-60                                                   Middle age              Generativity versus stagnation


This is a time when we move on from the concerns of self and reach out to help family members. Sometimes when people reach this stage they find when they assess their dreams and their reality of life that there is a huge shortfall. If a person reaches this stage and feels that they have achieved all that they wanted then their is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. On the other hand if one believes that they did not achieve all that they could, then there will be psychological stagnation. "The main quality of productive adults is their ability to love well, work well, and play well". (Corey, 2001, p. 80)

Ages 60+                                                       Late life:                   Integrity versus despair


Ego integrity is achieved when a person can look back on their life and feel satisfied that they have achieved all that they could and did the best they could in life. They are not obsessed with what might have been Failure to do this results in feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt and disgust.

Learn more about Erik Erikson on wikipedia

First Steps When Separating

As you will have seen from our introduction, this blog is to provide help and support to parents who are having problems following separation and divorce.

The best policy, is of course, prevention. If you and your partner have decided to separate, a lot of trouble can be avoided if you can both decide on a way to approach telling the children and having a co-parenting plan in place in advance.

I won't pretend this is easy, but it is the best way of handling the unfinished job of rearing your children, and limiting the damage separation will do.

What to say to the children.
Talk to the children together, and tell them that you both have decided that you will no longer be living together, that you both will continue to love the children, and to be there for them, but that this will now involve two homes and different times together.


Avoid  apportioning blame. Even if you are feeling hard done by, it will not improve matters in the long run to try to persuade the children to take your side. It is always tempting to get support for your grievances, but however serious or genuine they are, it is not the business of your children to provide this support.

(I am not including cases where children have been abused by a parent; that would be a very different blog)

Introduction

Some separations are handled sensitively on all sides, and the emotional and psychological welfare of the children are protected. However, in a minority of cases, there are families where the separation or divorce has a very negative impact on the children. This happens when there is conflict before, during and after the separation which the children witness or are drawn into. When you think about it, this is not surprising.

Take a child who has lived for a number of years in an intact nuclear family. They have become used to Mum and Dad being there, and they aren’t really aware of them as people with their own problems. Then, one parent leaves, so straight away you have a loss which engenders sadness and sometimes even guilt, if the child develops the opinion that s/he is somehow to blame.

If there are huge rows around the leaving, then the child may witness the two people whom s/he loves tearing each other apart. How is the child to make sense of this? Which side to take?

Sometimes this confusion is added to by one parent, and sometimes both, out of their own hurt and distress, telling the child what the other has done wrong. The child may end up having to offer emotional support to a parent rather than the other way round, and may spend many years trying to ‘fix’ their parents.

 An older child may have to parent younger siblings because the parents are tied up in their own difficulties. There are additional problems to address when a parent forms another family, and there are children in that family as well.

 The consequences for the children may be depression, lack of self-esteem, lower academic performance, behavioural problems leading to delinquency or substance abuse and difficulty in sustaining relationships when they reach adulthood. In other words, history often repeats itself.

Parental alienation can take place when one parent deliberately turns the children against the other by telling stories of wrong doing and putting the blame for all that has happened on the other parent. Such alienation is very difficult to deal with and can take many years to correct. Alienation may also take place when a parent acts abusively towards the children or the other parent.

The effects of financial problems on relationships are well documented. Loss of employment and shortage of money lead to extra stress, which, if not managed properly, causes rows between partners, with the consequences already mentioned. When separation or divorce occurs, a big issue is the family home, and providing a second home where the children can be with the parent who is not going to be the main carer. If there is sufficient money, these problems can easily be solved, but where there is already poverty, splitting the family in two increases that poverty and can add to the existing conflict. The distress is compounded if the children have to move out of their school, do without holidays and have a lower standard of living than when their parents were together. One or other parent can be blamed for this happening.      

So, in ‘New Day’ we address those problems by looking at ways to avoid them, and to remedy them if the worst has already happened. New ways of conflict resolution are considered.  We also take into account the well-being of the parents and help them deal with the distress of the break-up and to move on with their own personal emotional development. Grandparents, step-parenting and dealing with the wider ‘blended family’ are all topics of interest.