Parallel parenting was developed from observations of children playing in a playground.
Have you ever noticed a child playing in a playground and another child comes up and plays beside them without any conversation?
Parallel parenting is done in a somewhat similar way. Conversation is kept to a minimum in order to avoid conflict. It is not the perfect way to parent but is better than having children witness constant conflict over them.
Most divorced and separated parents have no difficulty parenting separately but when it comes to planning schedules and making decisions together they just cannot agree. In some cases this may be the reason why they split in the first place. If this is the case then parallel parenting is probably the best option for them.
How does parallel parenting work?
Both parents make decisions on parenting for the time the children are in their care. It is usual to involve a third party to develop a parenting plan. The reason for this is to help the parties to avoid telling each other how to parent or have the need to make decisions together.
The plan should include everything involving the children that you would have done together before the break up. The content of the plan would be similar to the co parenting plan. The plan would specify clearly who is responsible for what. For example one parent would take responsibility for utility bills. The other parent might take responsibility for medical care and education and so on. The plan would leave no room for mistakes or misunderstandings. If one parent needs to inform the other on something, this should be done by e mail or text to avoid arguments. When this needs to be done the parent should always keep in mind this is for my child's benefit and this will help them to refrain from writing smart comments. Pick up and drop off should be at the school or another public place where there is less chance of outbursts. Having a third party present might be a good idea especially in the early days of implementing the plan. Preferably this person should be someone you can trust and who will keep your business confidential.
Tips for a successful parenting plan
- Develop a parenting plan with a third party not a friend to either parent
- Agree on who is responsible for what
- Stick rigidly to the plan
- Always keep in mind what is best for the children
- Do not plan activities for the children during the other parents time. This will only cause conflict
- Make it a goal to keep conflict to a minimum
- Each parent should keep written records of all agreements and decisions
- When communication or negotiation is necessary use an impartial third part to assist you
- Always ask yourself " am I being fair to everyone in what I'm doing"?
- Remember the only reason you are dealing with the other parent is because you have children together
- Resist the urge to control or judge the other parents parenting skills
- With exception of emergency situations, all communication is done in writing
- If there is an emergency communication should be done without getting emotional or using abusive language
Rationale for a parallel parenting arrangement
- Every child has a right to a meaningful relationship with each parent
- Every child has a right not to be caught in the middle of parental conflict
- Every parent has a right to a meaningful relationship with his or her child without interference from the other parent
