For this post I'm going to give a tip on how to reduce the conflict around access. This is often a bone of contention for separated and divorced parents, and the arguments and court visits can go on for years, often until the children take a hand and make their own decisions.
I find that if both parents can change their thinking and their language around access it can lessen the conflict, and get everybody to see the problem from a new perspective.
Try to stop thinking about either parent as 'having the children' for a set period of time. This phrase suggests that the children are some kind of property that you get to enjoy the use of every now and again.We don't get to own our children; we have the care of them until they get to be mature adults.
Whatever the relationship is now between former partners, you will remain the parents of your children until you die. So, instead of 'having' the children, each parent is doing the job of parenting whenever the children are with them. Perhaps then, there should be a 'parenting agreement' instead of an 'access agreement'. This involves dropping the term 'access' from your vocabulary when thinking about the time children spend with either parent. Instead, substitute the term 'parenting time'. So each parent gets an opportunity to supply the 'parenting' the children need.
This thinking shifts the focus from the rights of the parents which can be fought over in perpetuity, to the needs of the children for two functioning parents. There is universal agreement about this, so instead of starting off with conflict over who will 'have the children, you start off with the question of how the parenting of the children is going to be put in place.
Another phrase that is problematic is 'handing over' the children. One parent 'hands over' the children to the other. What does that phrase put you in mind of? I think of goods, property or maybe even prisoners. How do you think children feel when they hear they are being 'handed over', especially if it happens in a petrol station or on the side of the road? 'Delivering' can be just as bad and has the same connotations.
So how could the process of the children moving from one parent to the other be better described? Maybe 'driving them to be with the other parent' or 'making sure they have parenting time with Mam or Dad'. When parent drive children to school, they use the term 'the school run'; why not have a 'parenting run'?
Be inventive, think of a phrase that suits you own situation which doesn't involve thinking of the children as property to be fought over but as little people who need to be cared for. Maybe you can even come up with something humurous which will be good for everyone.
I have mentioned parenting agreements; there are several types, and we will be coming back to that topic in the next post.
Sunday 25 March 2012
Sunday 18 March 2012
Child Development According to Eric Erickson
Some of the readers of this blog may be familiar with Eric Erickson's human development theory, for those of you who are not aware of it I would like to introduce it to you.
As a counsellor I find this theory very useful as it helps me to spot where a client has become stuck in their development.
Eric Erickson's psychosocial development theory is important because it outlines the various stages of development and enables the reader to know what to expect at each stage. It is also a valuable monitor for parents to see how they themselves developed and how their development impacts on their children's growth.
Eric Erickson
Eric Erickson was born on 15th June 1902 in Germany. He is best known for his theory on psychosocial development. Some of the people who influenced him were Sigmund and Anna Freud. Erickson (1963) expanded on Freud's theory by emphasising the social development of the individual. He believed that psychosexual and psychosocial development took place together and as we pass through each stage we are challenged with the task of striking a balance between ourselves and our social world. Parents play an important role in their children managing to successfully complete each stage.
Eric Erickson's stages of development
1st year of life Infancy: Trust versus mistrust
If the primary carers in an infant's life provide the necessary physical and emotional needs the infant develops a sense of trust. If the basic needs are not met then the infant develops an attitude of mistrust toward the world. This may affect other relationships throughout the life of the individual. If you do not feel loved and cherished by your own parents then it will always be difficult to trust others and believe that they love you.
Ages 1-3 Autonomy versus shame and doubt
This is a time for the child to build autonomy. At this stage there will be a basic struggle between a sense of self reliance and a sense of self doubt. It is important that a child is allowed to test his environment and to be allowed to experiment and explore it. If parents encourage dependency the child will have difficulty coping in the world. Parents who do too much for their children reduce their capacity to gain independence. It is important at this stage for children to develop a sense of their own power. What is most important also is that children are given the message that it is all right to make mistakes and that they can learn from them and are not shamed when they do.
Ages 3-6 Preschool age: Initiative versus guilt
At this stage the child needs to achieve a sense of competence and resourcefulness. If children are allowed to use their own initiative in selecting activities for themselves, they tend to develop confidence and a positive belief in their abilities and follow through on their projects. If they are not allowed to make decisions for themselves they tend to feel guilty when they take initiative. this hampers their growth towards autonomy and encourages them to take a back seat and allow others to choose for them.
Ages 6-12 School age: Industry versus inferiority
The child needs to expand their view of the world and continue to develop appropriate gender role identity and learn the basic skills for success at school. At this point he needs to develop a sense of industry,which means setting and achieving goals. Failure to do this results in feelings of inadequacy. This is a time when a child is developing their own identity. It is important for parents to build confidence in the child and to communicate well. When you communicate well with your child in the home you are giving him/her the skills to communicate properly elsewhere. When your child begins to show an interest in music talk to him/her about his choice of music and listen to it with him. You may hate the stuff and in a years time he may hate it also. The important thing is to let him choose and change his own mind. "Children don't tune into the messages of their parents unless they believe that their parents truly hear and understand their concerns and needs". (McGraw p.158)
Ages 12-18 Adolesence: Identity versus role confusion
This is a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. It is important for parents to be aware that their teenager is trying to find his/her own identity. It is really important that parents help to build confidence in their teenager and not be constantly criticising them. Teenagers are going to want more freedom during this period of development, so it is up to parents to prepare them for life without them. At this stage a good system of values would be very important. This is the period where teenagers test things out for themselves so making sure you've passed on good values will be very useful.
Ages 18-35 Young adult: Intimacy versus isolation
The development task at this stage is to be able to form intimate relationships. This is sometimes very difficult if trust has been a serious issue before this stage. If they have developed a good sense of identity they will master this stage. "Intimacy involves an ability to share with others and to give to others from our own centeredness". (Corey G. 2001 P80) It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person. It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person.
Ages 35-60 Middle age Generativity versus stagnation
This is a time when we move on from the concerns of self and reach out to help family members. Sometimes when people reach this stage they find when they assess their dreams and their reality of life that there is a huge shortfall. If a person reaches this stage and feels that they have achieved all that they wanted then their is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. On the other hand if one believes that they did not achieve all that they could, then there will be psychological stagnation. "The main quality of productive adults is their ability to love well, work well, and play well". (Corey, 2001, p. 80)
Ages 60+ Late life: Integrity versus despair
Ego integrity is achieved when a person can look back on their life and feel satisfied that they have achieved all that they could and did the best they could in life. They are not obsessed with what might have been Failure to do this results in feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt and disgust.
Learn more about Erik Erikson on wikipedia
As a counsellor I find this theory very useful as it helps me to spot where a client has become stuck in their development.
Eric Erickson's psychosocial development theory is important because it outlines the various stages of development and enables the reader to know what to expect at each stage. It is also a valuable monitor for parents to see how they themselves developed and how their development impacts on their children's growth.
Eric Erickson
Eric Erickson was born on 15th June 1902 in Germany. He is best known for his theory on psychosocial development. Some of the people who influenced him were Sigmund and Anna Freud. Erickson (1963) expanded on Freud's theory by emphasising the social development of the individual. He believed that psychosexual and psychosocial development took place together and as we pass through each stage we are challenged with the task of striking a balance between ourselves and our social world. Parents play an important role in their children managing to successfully complete each stage.
Eric Erickson's stages of development
1st year of life Infancy: Trust versus mistrust
If the primary carers in an infant's life provide the necessary physical and emotional needs the infant develops a sense of trust. If the basic needs are not met then the infant develops an attitude of mistrust toward the world. This may affect other relationships throughout the life of the individual. If you do not feel loved and cherished by your own parents then it will always be difficult to trust others and believe that they love you.
Ages 1-3 Autonomy versus shame and doubt
This is a time for the child to build autonomy. At this stage there will be a basic struggle between a sense of self reliance and a sense of self doubt. It is important that a child is allowed to test his environment and to be allowed to experiment and explore it. If parents encourage dependency the child will have difficulty coping in the world. Parents who do too much for their children reduce their capacity to gain independence. It is important at this stage for children to develop a sense of their own power. What is most important also is that children are given the message that it is all right to make mistakes and that they can learn from them and are not shamed when they do.
Ages 3-6 Preschool age: Initiative versus guilt
At this stage the child needs to achieve a sense of competence and resourcefulness. If children are allowed to use their own initiative in selecting activities for themselves, they tend to develop confidence and a positive belief in their abilities and follow through on their projects. If they are not allowed to make decisions for themselves they tend to feel guilty when they take initiative. this hampers their growth towards autonomy and encourages them to take a back seat and allow others to choose for them.
Ages 6-12 School age: Industry versus inferiority
The child needs to expand their view of the world and continue to develop appropriate gender role identity and learn the basic skills for success at school. At this point he needs to develop a sense of industry,which means setting and achieving goals. Failure to do this results in feelings of inadequacy. This is a time when a child is developing their own identity. It is important for parents to build confidence in the child and to communicate well. When you communicate well with your child in the home you are giving him/her the skills to communicate properly elsewhere. When your child begins to show an interest in music talk to him/her about his choice of music and listen to it with him. You may hate the stuff and in a years time he may hate it also. The important thing is to let him choose and change his own mind. "Children don't tune into the messages of their parents unless they believe that their parents truly hear and understand their concerns and needs". (McGraw p.158)
Ages 12-18 Adolesence: Identity versus role confusion
This is a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. It is important for parents to be aware that their teenager is trying to find his/her own identity. It is really important that parents help to build confidence in their teenager and not be constantly criticising them. Teenagers are going to want more freedom during this period of development, so it is up to parents to prepare them for life without them. At this stage a good system of values would be very important. This is the period where teenagers test things out for themselves so making sure you've passed on good values will be very useful.
Ages 18-35 Young adult: Intimacy versus isolation
The development task at this stage is to be able to form intimate relationships. This is sometimes very difficult if trust has been a serious issue before this stage. If they have developed a good sense of identity they will master this stage. "Intimacy involves an ability to share with others and to give to others from our own centeredness". (Corey G. 2001 P80) It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person. It is important to know oneself in order to know and understand another person.
Ages 35-60 Middle age Generativity versus stagnation
This is a time when we move on from the concerns of self and reach out to help family members. Sometimes when people reach this stage they find when they assess their dreams and their reality of life that there is a huge shortfall. If a person reaches this stage and feels that they have achieved all that they wanted then their is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. On the other hand if one believes that they did not achieve all that they could, then there will be psychological stagnation. "The main quality of productive adults is their ability to love well, work well, and play well". (Corey, 2001, p. 80)
Ages 60+ Late life: Integrity versus despair
Ego integrity is achieved when a person can look back on their life and feel satisfied that they have achieved all that they could and did the best they could in life. They are not obsessed with what might have been Failure to do this results in feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt and disgust.
Learn more about Erik Erikson on wikipedia
Sunday 11 March 2012
First Steps When Separating
As you will have seen from our introduction, this blog is to provide help and support to parents who are having problems following separation and divorce.
The best policy, is of course, prevention. If you and your partner have decided to separate, a lot of trouble can be avoided if you can both decide on a way to approach telling the children and having a co-parenting plan in place in advance.
I won't pretend this is easy, but it is the best way of handling the unfinished job of rearing your children, and limiting the damage separation will do.
What to say to the children.
Talk to the children together, and tell them that you both have decided that you will no longer be living together, that you both will continue to love the children, and to be there for them, but that this will now involve two homes and different times together.
Avoid apportioning blame. Even if you are feeling hard done by, it will not improve matters in the long run to try to persuade the children to take your side. It is always tempting to get support for your grievances, but however serious or genuine they are, it is not the business of your children to provide this support.
(I am not including cases where children have been abused by a parent; that would be a very different blog)
The best policy, is of course, prevention. If you and your partner have decided to separate, a lot of trouble can be avoided if you can both decide on a way to approach telling the children and having a co-parenting plan in place in advance.
I won't pretend this is easy, but it is the best way of handling the unfinished job of rearing your children, and limiting the damage separation will do.
What to say to the children.
Talk to the children together, and tell them that you both have decided that you will no longer be living together, that you both will continue to love the children, and to be there for them, but that this will now involve two homes and different times together.
Avoid apportioning blame. Even if you are feeling hard done by, it will not improve matters in the long run to try to persuade the children to take your side. It is always tempting to get support for your grievances, but however serious or genuine they are, it is not the business of your children to provide this support.
(I am not including cases where children have been abused by a parent; that would be a very different blog)
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